


No One Had These Problems In the Old Days

by livelovehump



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-14
Updated: 2011-07-14
Packaged: 2017-10-21 09:13:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livelovehump/pseuds/livelovehump
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times there was a transporter accident on the <i>Enterprise</i>.  Beware the crack and references to TOS canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Had These Problems In the Old Days

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the "A Picture is Worth 1000 Words: A Multifandom Comment Fic Meme" [here](http://igrockspock.livejournal.com/173793.html) at 's journal. My prompt was [this picture](http://pics.livejournal.com/thistlerose/pic/00200e3a) of William Shatner and Chris Pine. It sort of spawned into a "five times" fic from there. I didn't even realize until I was done... Unbeta'd. Mistakes are my own.

While transporter accidents were rare and mostly a thing of the past, the _Enterprise_ had a few more than any reasonable person would think statistically valid given the properly trained personnel and thorough maintenance performed on them.

However, during the first year of their mission there had been several, yet easily solved within a few days, accidents.

First, the Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott had an issue which had a few of the less enlightened and dickish crewmembers calling him Margery behind his back. Of course this was only a widely known rumor as it was never confirmed or denied by the higher-ups. But the fact that Scotty spent five days _away_ from the ample nacelles of the _Enterprise_ locked in his quarters doing god knows what was enough confirmation for most of the crew.

The second time it had happened the First Officer was turned into a child of ten upon his return from a diplomatic function. (After an incident with the captain, aphrodisiac strawberries, and a king’s virgin daughter it was decided that it was best he not be allowed to go anywhere he was expected to behave himself for the foreseeable future.) Commander Spock had his adult memories, but he very much had the temperament of his childhood. And while he acted completely unaffected by the things going on around him, his cheeks and neck did sometime break out in a green flush when someone referred to him a “adorable” or “cute.”

The third time it had happened the Captain and the CMO had been unlucky enough to switch bodies. (To McCoy’s horror and Kirk’s amusement.) And if that hadn’t been bad enough, Kirk thought it was funny to run amok in McCoy’s body, before an official announcement about the situation was made, hitting on _everything_ with legs. (Seriously there may have been a chair involved.) It was definitely the most trying of transporter accidents. It had taken _two weeks_ to fix and in the interim McCoy caught the captain taking liberties with his body. Not only had the captain been caught checking out his new body _in detail_ in the mirror, but he was also shoving every food his own body was allergic to down McCoy’s throat. By the time they were switched back McCoy had gained 8 pounds and the food system had put him on a diet regimen of _constant salads_.

The fourth time it happened the Head Nurse and Chief Communications Officer were the ones affected. They arrived from an away mission to gather more needed supplies but when they landed on the pad, each was only 6 inches tall. Of course, it made them no less fierce. They were now sort of like mean, little fairies. Uhura would yell in her tiny voice if someone tried to take her off the bridge, and she did her job climbing all over the controls of her station. Christine, on the other hand, didn’t have a station to sit at but she’d chased McCoy’s ankles with a laser scalpel the third time he’d called her “Barbie” with a speed no one would really thought such a teeny person could reach.

This meant that when it happened for a fifth time and an older, alternate reality version of the captain appeared on the transporter pad during routine maintenance Commander Spock didn’t so much as quirk an eyebrow and say “fascinating.”

And no one else cared, either, for that matter.

The captain, however, thought this was the best news ever.... until he decided to dine with himself.

Jim Kirk was having a hard time believing that this older man with the weird speech issue was really him and he spent most of the dinner looking on in confusion as the older man talked.

And talked.

And talked some more.

It seemed that while Spock’s other self was selectively careful about what he spoke of, James T. Kirk had no such hang-ups.

Well, at least _that_ seemed right.

“Wait, what? Back up, a Greek god?”

The other Kirk nodded his head vigorously. “I tried to explain to Scotty that you just can’t compete with a Greek god but he was really cut up about it. I had to use my last bit of Andorian ale, well the last bit I stole from Bones, to cheer him up. Bet he was faking.”

Jim blinked. He knew there was strange and unknown things in space, but some of this was just super weird.

Also, he wasn’t used to not being the talkingest person in the room. (Well, unless that room had a ranting McCoy in it) He was just not able to get a word in edgewise.

“Oh, and stay away from Gamma Hydra IV if you can help it.” He continued on, strange cadence and all. “Everyone will just get really old, and it’s not worth the trouble.” He paused seemingly considering something. “Scratch that. I’m - We’re special. We stayed awesome the whole time, even grew our thinning hair back and everything.”

Jim opened his mouth to respond, but the stories kept coming. He supposed he should be happy that the older him _continued_ to not let him talk since his response was something along the the lines of, ‘WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?’

“Old timey gangsters aren’t as much fun as you’d think. Also, there’s this guy named Khan-”

“So tell me,” Jim finally interrupted, brain still reeling from all of the information dumping. The highly animated conversation with weird pauses and stories that made no sense was causing him to become a little alarmed. (And seriously he already thought his own life didn’t make sense half the time anyway!) He was just reminded of a brain injury one of the security officers had gotten on an away mission. Bones fixed him up, but when he’d shown up on the transporter pad he’d been speaking gibberish. McCoy called it word salad. It happened with certain types of brain injuries.

Jim took a bit of a deep breath as the older him waited for him to continue with a sort of serene smile on his face.

“So tell me,” he started again a certain amount of, well, horror found in his voice. “Should I be eating more salads. Did we have a stroke?!”

He didn’t get a chance to answer as Spock showed up to inform them that the transporter issue had been fixed but the window to get him home was rapidly closing. It was then that Jim realized his older self had somehow finished his dinner through all the talking.

His older self was halfway out of the mess when he turned around with what could only be described as a shit-eating grin on his face. “By the way, Captain!” He started loudly. “Bones and I have a baby.” He turned instantly back around to leave with a satisfied look on his face. After all, it wasn’t often that he got messed with and it would do his younger, other self some good.

“WAIT! WHAT?!”


End file.
